How to pleasure a woman (part 3): You

Obviously, you play a big part in her sexual life and satisfaction. You know that, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading a blog called How to pleasure a woman. How does she feel towards you? For sexual chemistry, it boils down to three things, and I often joke that you need at least two out of three: love, lust, and trust.

Love is essentially her positive feelings towards you because you have proven to be someone who makes her life better overall. Lust is her body feeling sexually drawn to you, it’s a very old and primal feeling, which is why some people fear it, but it really adds the spice to sex. Trust is essential for her to feel comfortable with you when she’s most vulnerable, psychologically and physically. Here is how it breaks down for you:

1. Love: Being a nice guy, helpful, and reliable makes a woman love you.


2. Lust: Being physically attractive (in shape or at least clean and well-groomed), confident and independent makes a woman lust after you.


3. Trust: Being open, honest, respectful, and never disappointing her in a major way makes a woman trust you.

Your attitude, expectations, feelings, past experiences, etc. play a critical role in your ability to pleasure a woman. I hope my writing so far has given you some things to think about and some ideas for changes.

Lastly, there is what you’ve been probably looking for the most so far: technique, tips, and secrets. Next time I will start talking about more specific tips of how to pleasure your woman and how to give her an orgasm.

How to pleasure a woman (part 2): The environment

Sometimes, external aspects of her life can negatively affect her feelings. She could be stressed out or tired from work, from worry about a sick child, etc. The same is true for you. You could come across as less passionate because you have other things on your mind. Watch out for these things.

Then there is the place (or places) where you have sex. Are they comfortable, do they support the mood you're trying to create (could be cozy and private, or exciting and daring). Even seemingly small factors, like a messy versus a clean bedroom or bathroom can make a big difference. Here's an extreme example: Broad daylight, thin walls, kids next door, a squeaky bed, and the neighbors having a loud argument. Such an environment makes it hard or impossible to focus on your sexual experience.

While we normally wouldn’t say that we’re very focused during sex, we’re are actually extremely focused. When you’re having great sex, you forget everything around you, you don’t feel time passing, and there is just you, your partner, and the moment. How much more focused can you get? It’s a big part of what can make sex so healthy and relaxing: You get to take a break from everything else in your life and just indulge in the moment. Psychologists talk about “being in flow”, more commonly called “being in the zone”, or “being in the groove”.

Creating the conditions for relaxed focus and flow are a huge part of successfully pleasuring a woman. Removing any major distractions is a requirement for a great sexual experience, whether it's getting rid of a squeaky bed or you stopping to think about your credit card bills.

How to pleasure a woman: Setting the stage for the magic to happen

In my previous post I hinted at the things involved in creating a fulfilling sexual experience. Your partner and you are the main actors in your intimate activities. Then there are your surroundings, which help or distract you from pleasuring your woman.

Today, I’ll talk about part one of three.

How to pleasure a woman (part 1): She

What are her thoughts and feelings about sex in general? With what sexual morals was she raised? Does she feel guilty, or has she had past bad experiences? Is she not feeling well, or is she just in a part of her menstrual cycle where she’s not feeling very sexual?

These are just some questions to consider when thinking about how to pleasure a woman. Ask yourself these types of questions as well, because the more you are in touch with your own notions and feelings about sex, the more fulfilling your sex life will be.

Next time, I’ll talk about creating a good environment for pleasuring a woman.

How to pleasure a woman: My approach

As I pointed out in my welcome post, I think it is crucial to pay close attention to the psychology around sex and intimacy. I will focus on three specific aspects of how to pleasure a woman:

1. Notions: What thoughts and expectations do you and your partner have around sex?


2. Emotions: How do you feel about sex in general, how do you feel about each other?


3. Technique: What specific things can you do to improve your sexual experiences with each other.

Learning about all three aspects is very important to really become a better lover and to have more exciting and meaningful sex.

Next time, I will talk about everything involved in the play of pleasuring a woman: the actors, the stage, the backstage, and the audience. (Ok, I'm just kidding about the audience part. Most of us still prefer sex in private.)

In the meantime, let me point you to a great book I found. It's called 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets: Increase passion and intimacy by Michael Webb, who is Oprah's love expert and a recognized expert on how to pleasure a woman.

I have also added a "Recommended Reading" section to the sidebar on the right, where I will point to any resources that I find helpful.

Welcome to "How to pleasure a woman"

A lot has been written about how to pleasure a woman. If you look through magazines, you will find a lot of bogus surveys and descriptions of fads. The truth is, sex and sexual pleasure are as old as humanity, and in most ways have always been and will always stay the same. That doesn't mean that being a good lover is totally intuitive, but like most things you can learn it.

I have been in a few serious relationships, and fortunately I have always been able to pleasure my girlfriends. That doesn't mean that they, or I, had an orgasm every time we were sexually intimate, and it also doesn't mean that sexual intercourse was part of all our lovemaking.

Because this is where everything with regards to pleasuring a woman starts: psychology. What notions, expectations, and feelings do you have about sex, and how aware are you of them? Technique has its place, but the real magic happens when you understand the principles of women's and men's sexual and emotional needs in general, and your woman's and your own particular needs and desires.

So follow along, as I try to share my knowledge of how to pleasure a woman. I will try to post regularly, so don't forget to check back.