Wednesday, February 27, 2008

One woman's view on how to pleasure a woman

I just came across this post on craigslist (see long quote below), where a woman writes about what she wants from her man in the bed. In case it offends you, she uses very blunt language, but nevertheless she provides some good insights into how to pleasure a woman.

It's important to realize (as she points out) that what she describes are her preferences, but that probably many other women aren't too different, but that you should always check with your individual woman. She also acknowledges that it can be hard for men to walk the line between being too wimpy and too aggressive, as the roles aren't so clear anymore.

This just leads me back to my previous point about simple, basic communication. "Does what I'm doing right now feel good?" is a simple question, or "Just tell me if you want me to do something differently. Let me know what feels best for you."

Anyway, here's how to pleasure a woman, straight from the horse's mouth so to speak:


Dear Men of Craigslist,

Look, I know you men have it difficult. Women are just about impossible to understand, much less please. In a post-feminist society, you never know exactly what you should be doing. Women are bloody picky, I know we are. It can be scary, too, when women freak out about what appear to be benign issues. And men who do their best to be respectful, female-positive humans, I salute you, I do.

But please, please just fuck me already. Honestly, I appreciate your thoughtfulness. I like that you want to take things slow. I can totally get behind the idea of emotional connection, but dearjesusinheaven, FUCK ME. We've done dinner and drinks. We've gone dancing. We've cuddled and watched a movie. I'm wearing a low cut shirt and you've been staring at my breasts all night. Goodgodalmighty, get to it and fuck me.

When we get hot and heavy, please take charge. Please, please fuck me. Trust me, I'm not going to just lie still - I'll get involved. But don't make me force your hand into my panties. That makes me feel like a rapist. We've been kissing for a half hour and your hand keeps grazing my ass. That's nice, but it's time to move forward. Get on top of me. Don't make me get on top right out of the gate and start bobbing up and down on your cock like I'm practicing some crazy new aerobic yoga because YOU won't go down on me. Roll on top and start dry humping like a good boy should. Don't gently suck my nipples and then pull back when I moan with pleasure. You being coy is totally not what I want. It's not what WE want.

OK, I know it's scary. There are lots of women out there who make fucking really difficult. So, I have compiled some handy tips. Don't think of this as complaining, or as schadenfreude for the Andrea Dworkins of the world. Just some simple tips, for timid men who have forgotten what it means to fuck like men:

1. Taking charge is not bad. Oh, there will be some women who feel that you are pushy. If you are making out with a woman, and she starts to push back, ask nicely if things are moving too fast. If she says yes, say something like "I'm sorry - you just look so fucking delicious. I'll go slower." Otherwise, skillfully move forward. If you start kissing a woman, and she responds well, and before long, you're both on the floor with her skirt pushed up, and you on top of her, it's not the time to roll onto your back and start awkwardly stroking the top of her head. Seriously, grow a goddamn pair. YOU'RE the man. Act like one.

2. Ohmyfuckinggod, please learn to respect the clit. It's different for every woman, so ask what she likes. Do not, I repeat, do not just wiggle your fingers around her pussy like you're trying to tickle her. Do not drum your fingertips against her vulva like you are impatiently waiting at the Sears Tire Center for your receipt. Do not push the clit like it is a doorbell at some house that you need to get inside of. Start by using all four fingers with firm yet gentle pressure against the outside of her pussy. Do not charge in with a single finger and start jabbing at things. And if you really don't know what to do, ask her. Just ask. "How do you like it?". It's a simple question, and most women will answer straight out. If she's being all coy, ask "Do you like pressure? Is it sensitive?" The clitoris is a varied item, indeed. Treat each one as though you have never encountered one before. Forget everything that your last partner liked.

3. Most women like to be fucked, and fucked well. Yes, there are women out there who want to "make love" every time - sweet, gentle, rocking love with lots of eye contact and loving kisses. Those women are not the majority. The majority like to be pounded. The majority like to have their hair pulled. The majority like a good, solid jackhammering. When a woman is bucking wildly against you, it's not because she wants you to pull back and slowly swirl your cock around her vagina like you're mixing a cake batter up there. It's because she wants you to hold down her arms, or grab her hips, or push her legs above her head, and fuck her harder. Don't be too afraid of what this means as far as gender equality goes - I am a raging feminist bitch, but I still want to be penetrated like you are planning on fucking my throat from the inside out.

4. A little roughness is nice. Do not pretend that you had no idea that some women like their hair pulled. Do not act shocked if she wants you to spank her ("Really? Spanking? Won't it hurt?" - yes, it does. That's the fucking point). We know you've read Stuff and Maxim, and that's all those laddie mags talk about in their "How to Please Her" sections. Start with light, full handed smacks to the area of her ass that she sits on. Judge her response and continue on from there. You don't have to bend her over one knee and tell her she's a naughty girl and that Daddy's going to punish her; save that for the fifth date. Women are less delicate than you think, so don't worry about breaking her hip.

5. It's OK for you to make noise. Otherwise, we feel like we are fucking a ninja. Unless you actually are a ninja, and have sneaked into our rooms with vibrating nanuchaku and zippered black pajamas, please, please make some noise. If you're banging a woman, and she's crying out and saying your name and moaning, and you can't even manage a grunt, she's going to feel like an idiot. You don't have to make the sounds she is making, but do SOMETHING. You know how when you are watching porn, and the girl does something great to the guy and the guy kind of goes "Ah!", half grunt, half yell? That's HOT. Do that. Whisper our name (assuming you know it) gruffly. Groan against her neck when you're in missionary position. You don't have to grunt like a mountain gorilla, but if you are totally mute, she's going to get worried.

6. Most women like dirty talk, in addition to the grunting. If you'd like to get some dirty talk going, ask her if she likes the way you fuck her. If she responds well, continue with something like, "I love fucking you. God, you look so fucking hot." Is she still moaning in response? "Your tits are so beautiful." Does that work? If she doesn't respond well to the term "tits", you might have to stop there. If she keep moaning or responding, pass Go and collect $200. Try the following:

"Oh, god. Your pussy is SO tight."
"You're so wet - are you wet because you like the feel of my cock ramming you?"
"I think I'm going to come inside you. I'm going to fill up your little cunt." It doesn't matter that you're wearing a condom; we LOVE hearing this.

If all of those work, you can then progress to things like "sexy little bitch" and "dirty whore". Tread carefully, but please, tread. Do not tiptoe. Do not sit down. Charge.

6. You're not obligated to eat a woman out. In return, she's not obligated to choke on your dick. Don't skip one and expect the other. If you do eat a woman out, the only comment you should make about her pussy is how nice it is. The length of her labia minora, the color of her interior, her waxing job or full bush - you are not John Madden. No time for color commentary.

7. Do not bitch about condoms. Oh, we hate them. Trust us. They hurt us more than they hurt you. But we don't want to be preggers, and you don't want to catch anything, right? Don't whine about condom sex. Do not explain that you can't come with one on. LEARN to come with one on, or if not, help us figure out what to do with you once we're satisfied and it's time for you to let loose your load.

8. We really like it when you come. It's called a money shot for a reason. Watching semen shoot out of you is one of the most gratifying things EVER. However, do not assume that she wants you to jack it off onto her face. She might, but don't assume. Seeing and/or feeling you come is rewarding for us, so there's no need to deprive us of it, but please do consult us before unleashing. "I think I'm going to come - how do you like it?" is a fair question that shouldn't rob you of your testicles.

In recent memory, I've been fucked by a very aggressive, manly guy, and I've been... well, fucked is the wrong term here. I've been penetrated by a total and utter wuss. Who am I going to run back to when I'm ready for my fill? Manly McHardon, that's who. ----------------------------------------------------

*New point of clarification - some people have brought up some really great issues in response to this post, so let me say this: I don't mean to imply that all women like to be treated like whores. I do mean to say that most women I know have told me that they like sex rougher than most men give it to them. Rough does NOT equal chains and bondage. And this applies to the bedroom only, and does not mean that she wants you to choose her dinner for her, or treat her like less of a person. **Some women have said that they don't like it rough and what the hell am I thinking? Well, girls, you're in the minority. HOWEVER, all women need to remember that, in addition to be straight forward about your sexual desires, you need to be straight forward about your sexual limits. Don't be afraid to ask for more, but when something feels wrong, say so. Don't ever do something you don't want to do in silence and then blame the guy. Silence is dangerous.

Friday, February 15, 2008

How to pleasure a woman: Don't race to the finish

There is a saying along the lines of "look at how someone eats and you can see what type of lover they are". There is some important truth in this statement that relates directly to how to pleasure a woman.

Imagine any enjoyable activity, such as watching a great movie, reading a fascinating story, or eating a delicious meal. Do you want these activities to end as fast as possible? Probably not.

So why create so much pressure to "finish" the most pleasurable of all human activities: sex. Orgasms are great, but they don't last very long, and the intensity of an orgasm depends a lot on the quality of the prior stimulation. Besides, sex is about physical and emotional satisfaction, and "feasting" on sex can greatly increase your emotional satisfaction as well as give you a more intense orgasm.

A fancy five-course meal is a great treat after which you feel full and satisfied. Why? Because it took time and was all about enjoying the process of eating, not because you ate everything rapidly to reach the feeling of being full as fast as possible.

Everything in life has a structure: movies, books, songs, symphonies, days, meals, and sex. There are introductions, buildups, tension-release cycles, and climaxes, etc. Understanding this structure and then creating variety based on your understanding of this structure will go a long way in improving your skills to pleasure a woman.

So take your time and simply enjoy what's going on during sex without any pressure to finish. Experiment, treat yourself to slow "five-course" sex and mix it up with some fast and uncomplicated "gobble down a burger" sex. Understand the flow of things and keep it interesting. The book I recommend lists a great variety of 500 stimulating ideas for how to pleasure a woman.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

How to pleasure a woman (part 3): You

Obviously, you play a big part in her sexual life and satisfaction. You know that, otherwise you wouldn’t be reading a blog called How to pleasure a woman. How does she feel towards you? For sexual chemistry, it boils down to three things, and I often joke that you need at least two out of three: love, lust, and trust.

Love is essentially her positive feelings towards you because you have proven to be someone who makes her life better overall. Lust is her body feeling sexually drawn to you, it’s a very old and primal feeling, which is why some people fear it, but it really adds the spice to sex. Trust is essential for her to feel comfortable with you when she’s most vulnerable, psychologically and physically. Here is how it breaks down for you:

  1. Love: Being a nice guy, helpful, and reliable makes a woman love you.

  2. Lust: Being physically attractive (in shape or at least clean and well-groomed), confident and independent makes a woman lust after you.

  3. Trust: Being open, honest, respectful, and never disappointing her in a major way makes a woman trust you.

Your attitude, expectations, feelings, past experiences, etc. play a critical role in your ability to pleasure a woman. I hope my writing so far has given you some things to think about and some ideas for changes.

Lastly, there is what you’ve been probably looking for the most so far: technique, tips, and secrets. Next time I will start talking about more specific tips of how to pleasure your woman and how to give her an orgasm.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

How to pleasure a woman (part 2): The environment

Sometimes, external aspects of her life can negatively affect her feelings. She could be stressed out or tired from work, from worry about a sick child, etc. The same is true for you. You could come across as less passionate because you have other things on your mind. Watch out for these things.

Then there is the place (or places) where you have sex. Are they comfortable, do they support the mood you're trying to create (could be cozy and private, or exciting and daring). Even seemingly small factors, like a messy versus a clean bedroom or bathroom can make a big difference. Here's an extreme example: Broad daylight, thin walls, kids next door, a squeaky bed, and the neighbors having a loud argument. Such an environment makes it hard or impossible to focus on your sexual experience.

While we normally wouldn’t say that we’re very focused during sex, we’re are actually extremely focused. When you’re having great sex, you forget everything around you, you don’t feel time passing, and there is just you, your partner, and the moment. How much more focused can you get? It’s a big part of what can make sex so healthy and relaxing: You get to take a break from everything else in your life and just indulge in the moment. Psychologists talk about “being in flow”, more commonly called “being in the zone”, or “being in the groove”.

Creating the conditions for relaxed focus and flow are a huge part of successfully pleasuring a woman. Removing any major distractions is a requirement for a great sexual experience, whether it's getting rid of a squeaky bed or you stopping to think about your credit card bills.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

How to pleasure a woman: Setting the stage for the magic to happen

In my previous post I hinted at the things involved in creating a fulfilling sexual experience. Your partner and you are the main actors in your intimate activities. Then there are your surroundings, which help or distract you from pleasuring your woman.

Today, I’ll talk about part one of three.

How to pleasure a woman (part 1): She

What are her thoughts and feelings about sex in general? With what sexual morals was she raised? Does she feel guilty, or has she had past bad experiences? Is she not feeling well, or is she just in a part of her menstrual cycle where she’s not feeling very sexual?

These are just some questions to consider when thinking about how to pleasure a woman. Ask yourself these types of questions as well, because the more you are in touch with your own notions and feelings about sex, the more fulfilling your sex life will be.

Next time, I’ll talk about creating a good environment for pleasuring a woman.

Thursday, October 18, 2007

How to pleasure a woman: My approach

As I pointed out in my welcome post, I think it is crucial to pay close attention to the psychology around sex and intimacy. I will focus on three specific aspects of how to pleasure a woman:

  1. Notions: What thoughts and expectations do you and your partner have around sex?

  2. Emotions: How do you feel about sex in general, how do you feel about each other?

  3. Technique: What specific things can you do to improve your sexual experiences with each other.

Learning about all three aspects is very important to really become a better lover and to have more exciting and meaningful sex.

Next time, I will talk about everything involved in the play of pleasuring a woman: the actors, the stage, the backstage, and the audience. (Ok, I'm just kidding about the audience part. Most of us still prefer sex in private.)

In the meantime, let me point you to a great book I found. It's called 500 Lovemaking Tips and Secrets: Increase passion and intimacy by Michael Webb, who is Oprah's love expert and a recognized expert on how to pleasure a woman.

I have also added a "Recommended Reading" section to the sidebar on the right, where I will point to any resources that I find helpful.

Welcome to "How to pleasure a woman"

A lot has been written about how to pleasure a woman. If you look through magazines, you will find a lot of bogus surveys and descriptions of fads. The truth is, sex and sexual pleasure are as old as humanity, and in most ways have always been and will always stay the same. That doesn't mean that being a good lover is totally intuitive, but like most things you can learn it.

I have been in a few serious relationships, and fortunately I have always been able to pleasure my girlfriends. That doesn't mean that they, or I, had an orgasm every time we were sexually intimate, and it also doesn't mean that sexual intercourse was part of all our lovemaking.

Because this is where everything with regards to pleasuring a woman starts: psychology. What notions, expectations, and feelings do you have about sex, and how aware are you of them? Technique has its place, but the real magic happens when you understand the principles of women's and men's sexual and emotional needs in general, and your woman's and your own particular needs and desires.

So follow along, as I try to share my knowledge of how to pleasure a woman. I will try to post regularly, so don't forget to check back.